Live | eviL

The only good thing about real insomnia is the incredibly long period of sleep after staying awake for so long— Especially if you’re lucky enough to get a bit of that lucid dreaming going on. After being forced to be awake from anywhere between 32-48 hours, being able to sleep in for 16 hours, experience approximately four hours of REM Sleep (granted those 4 hours are broken down periodically throughout the 16 hours, because of our brainwaves constantly transition from different forms of sleep in a cycle lasting about 90 minutes resulting in a night with many dreams— several of which usually vivid and memorable dreams that in many ways surpass reality itself). And in a dream with no concept of time, it seems that much longer.

One a side note:

I hate it when people claim to have insomnia just because they tend to stay up somewhat late, but don’t actually understand what life is like to have the inability to sleep regularly.

For me, personally, it’s been difficult to sleep unless I actually reach a point of complete and utter physical exhaustion or unless I take some kind of prescribed sleeping medication. I never get the usual /” Yawn ‘I’m tired I think I’m going to go retire for the night’”/ the kind of thing everyone gets at some point during the night, unless I’m awake for an abnormally long time,

When my insomnia was at it’s worst, I’ve suffered for four days and several painful hours completely awake and unable to sleep no matter how long I laid in bed trying for even a short nap. Eventually I managed to sleep because I became completely and utterly terrified during the third or fourth day. I was becoming hysterical and extremely paranoid, experiencing peripheral hallucinations at an alarming rate (the kind where you’d see a coat hanging on the wall and think it was some stranger watching you until you looked closer), and my body ached so bad that I could hardly walk.

In the end, I was convinced that I was going to die if I was to stay awake another day and that terrifying idea is what allowed me to sleep.
And when your in such a borderline-insane state of mind like that, you forget to eat and you stutter or randomly pause while talking and sometimes slur your words like a drunk. The only thought possessing you is “How much longer must I endure this, endure watching myself fall apart, before I can finally rest like everyone else.”

Although, I must admit those days are behind me for the most part. Through what I can only assume is sheer power of will, I’ve been able to fall asleep and wake up at reasonable times more often than not. I still have trouble sleeping and sometimes I stay awake randomly for a day or two where I just can’t find the means to sleep, but now it’s getting fewer and further between,

I don’t know where my insomnia originated from, all I know is I’ve had it for as long as I can remember, since I was a kid. Maybe I was sick with something and now I’m cured, maybe it was all psychological or stress/depression kinda thing, but whatever it was I’m glad I’m somehow getting over it and I’m glad I can sleep better now than I ever could. I’m grateful to be free from living a nightmare and I’m tired of people claiming to have insomnia without ever truly experiencing how absolutely fucking shitty it really is.

Doubt anyone will even read this, seeing as how I don’t have many followers.
I just really love sleep. -End of rant.-

I just ran out of cigarettes and the gas station is closed. Sadface.

I’m just bored trying to make this game “Sins of a Solar Empire” to work on three computers at once, uninstalling/reinstalling/reconfiguring, so here I am passing time on Tumblr waiting for this shit to process correctly.

Real-time strategy games are the best and this game is very very entertaining so I’m just really frustrated everythings not working out. :[

And as I was writing this, I just finished fixing everything— so excited. Pro multitasking.

called Ishmael from Daniel Quinn. It’s really interesting, it’s about a talking Gorilla who teaches a man the true nature of humanity and describes in detail exactly how we’ve become so self destructive and self obsessed.

He, Ishmael the Gorilla, talks a lot about how for a few million years humans were just primitive living as hunter/gatherers and he calls them the “Leavers”, because they left everything well alone. And he calls the second chapter of human history which began roughly ten thousand years ago the “Takers” because we have created for ourselves a cultural myth that the world was created for us and we were created to rule it.

He also goes on about how the “Takers” which is modern man, has had a need for prophets (like Jesus, Moses, Muhammad, Ghandi, etc,) because we don’t know how to correctly live and we need someone to tell us and reassure us whether it’s right or wrong. We’re struggling to find value in living as flawed beings and if someone tells us how to live we can overcome our flaws, but our only true flaw is our ineptitude at living a balanced life on this planet.

“The Takers regard the world as a sort of human life-support system, as a machine designed to produce and sustain human life.”

“Only one thing can save us. We have to Increase our mastery of the world. All this damage has come about through our conquest of the world, but we have to go on conquering it until our rule is absolute.”

to apply for this job, but I get so nervous every time I think about actually handing in the application. I keep thinking, maybe I messed up on the application and would it be bad if I asked for another one? And am I dressed well enough or well-mannered and all of that for them to even consider it?

I need something to do at least until I can start going to HCC and I definitely need money, but I’m so damn scared of being around people for that fucking long. I don’t think I’d be able to forgive myself if I had an anxiety attack at whatever workplace in front of everybody.

I wish I could just join the military today, right this second and get away from everything, but I want some kind of degree first.

hate being sick. I hate that I smoke so much, I’d be better just like everybody else who had the same illness as me if I just stopped smoking for a couple of days, but I fucking can’t do it. Game over man.